Well, I am overwhelmed…
i just want to go back.
but there is no place for me there.
It’s like I am Sam/Frodo in the Lord of the Rings- I want to go back to the Shire, where everything was simpler. But i can’t.
All throughout my life, I have had this problem: Glorification of the Past. I always look back and see how “great” things were, even to something a couple hours in the past. It started probably when we moved from England to Norway. It was hard for me to settle at first. Then I found friends and enjoyed it there. Stavanger became home. Then we moved to Cypress. And I felt excluded, left out, abused, hurt, maligned, and more. (Now in my glorification of the past, I basically exaggerate- Usually it’s positive, but sometimes the negative REALLY sticks out.) It took me a while to recover from that. And now I’ve moved again. I have no comfort of constant conistency. Nothing that connects the past to the present. In a way, that’s nice, because it means that the bad stuff from high school, for the most part, don’t have to bother me. But my wonderful experiences in church, at school, at home, and with friends- they are all back in Cypress. The only connections I have to “home”? My sister and Facebook. My sister has found “home” here, though, so to bring up Cypress isn’t so good. And Facebook is simply manufactured lives. It’s real, but it’s also fake.
So here I am. I just got the CCS Connection and as I scan the pages I think, “I’m no longer a part of this.” It’s true. Other than the alumni pages or possibly if I come and visit and get a photo somehow, my time at CCS is over. My time at Baylor has begun. But I’m not even sure if I want Baylor to be my home. I’ve wondered. I’ve considered changing colleges, going to Wheaton, or Taylor, or even Bryan. But if I did that, things might get better, but it would still take time. And it would just take more time because I’ve already connected here, somewhat. I’ve spent time here. And I hate secondguessing myself. I do it all the time, but I hate it. I like to make a decision and stick with it. When you think it over and wonder if it was the right choice, the thing is, how will you ever know? You won’t here God speak to you in an audible voice “You were right to choose this!” Instead, you will realize it after looking around and seeing a sign in your environment- and you can’t see any signs if you’re too busy looking to something else.
Which is part of my problem. It’s like I’m at the US-Mexico border, with my feet in two different countries. I’ve got my heart and spirit in Cypress, but my mind and my body is in Waco. I’ve been very good at not just focusing on Cypress, talking to people from there all the time, never getting connected to people here. I’ve talked and contacted people a fair number, and have only been home once. I’ve tried out new things here and met new people and enjoyed different things, but when it all comes down to it, I don’t want to be here. If I had the choice, I would drive back home and go and help out at school and church, hang out with old high school friends, live at home, and never go anywhere. But I CAN’T DO THAT.
I have to move on. I have to change. I am no longer the Evan Weppler of high school. I have changed. But I still love my home back in Cypress more, because I KNOW there are people there that love me, care for me, and want me around. Here? I don’t know. But I can’t know until I invest in their lives. Which is tricky, because I am weird. And I connect in different ways than most people. I love deep connections, but I don’t like small talk and simple hanging out. When I hang out, I enjoy building on deep friendships.
So my problems- I glorify the past, I don’t like change, I’m in two places at once, and I find it hard to really connect to people.
What is the answer to all of this? Well, there is no anwer, other than this: Time and Effort. It sucks as an answer, but it’s like medicine. You have to endure it. I just wish there was “a spoonful of sugar” to make “the medicine go down.”
What is the sugar I need?
— Small group community
— Good friends (the ones I can hang out with at random times and just enjoy time together)
— Close Friends
1. Church- I’ve searched. I’m looking for a place that gives me 1. Truth, 2. Community, and 3. Service Opportunities. I just don’t know. I don’t want to “waste” my time somewhere, but it’s true that it takes time to really see what a church is about.
2. Small group community- I’ve not found that at the dorm. I’ve not found that in my classes. I’ve tried Cru and kind of an Antioch Lifegroup, but nothing has been so profoundly “it” yet. Preferably I would like to find this through a church, but you never know.
3. Ministry- Shinedown? Exclusive. Children’s Tutorials? I don’t know how to describe the feeling I had there. YMTs? Maybe. I enjoyed working with the kids the other day. I felt more alive. (Which is why I want to go into ministry/be a father)
4. Good Friends- I have these. Kristen. DJ and Lora. Meghan, Emmanuel, and the other girls. Hannah. (Though I haven’t seen her for a while) Kristina. Madeleine and Kathleen. Dave. Chris. Dirk and Gray. Steven. Steven and Adam. Good people, but great? I think some could be for me.
5. Close Friends- I really want to have some real good connections. With girl friends, yes, but I have always lacked and always wanted great close guy friends, to help me in the journey, so that I can help them, so that we can do life together. Like brothers in a monastery. Close. Community.
6. Mentor- This would probably help me grow, but who? I have Tracy and kind of Kate, but I really need a guy. A guy to show me how to live as a Christian man in college. Cause I haven’t understood it yet. Brad? Could see it. Steven, Jeff, Ethan? Maybe. Other than that, I don’t know. I’d love to know someone through church, but that takes a while……. time and effort, time and effort…. whoo.
7. Mentoree- I believe this would really help me feel at home here. If I had kids or youths looking up to me, seeing me as a leader and a friend. I’d feel like I was at home.
But what is home? Really? When did Cypress become home? I don’t think I really accepted where I was until seventh grade, and that was because of church. I think that might be the case here, with those two characteristics. The second year, and through church. But I really don’t want to wait that long. Can I?
Lord, I guess you’re just testing me. But I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to look back and say, “I could have reached out more.” God, help me to accept myself and love my situation. But if I’m not supposed to be here, send me a sign. If I am supposed to be here, show me a sign. God, I just need to find community. I’m tired of doing this alone. I’m tired. I come to you for rest. I rest in you. I rest in you. I rest in you.