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Home » 2007 » November

I have lamented what I lack Let me be happy in what I have – 11/29/07

1. Cozy room
2. Good food options
3. Some people that seem to like me- K, M, S, Kn, Mn, M, S, A, L, H, E, D, B, and others…
4. I have the freedom to do what I want for now
5. I have people that look up to me back home
6. I am getting to be a good influence on TILT
7. I am studying some interesting stuff
8. I’m not a failure in Greek- I might be doing bad, but it’s okay
9. Amanda, Kate, and Luis- My little family up here
10. Snake and Ms. Kitty- Put them together and you’d have Goldie
11. My YMT- Kristen is great, the people in there are great potential friends, and Ryan is real fun to know
12. I now have an accountability partner
13. I am growing in friendship with CJ
14. I’ve had great visits home
15. I’ve got peaceful music to indwell
16. I’m alive by grace
17. Some people regard me well
18. I feel creative and am using that energy
19. I have some days to prepare for finals, then get to go home!
20. My family loves me
21. My struggle is not so hard right now.
22. God is still here? Yes.

I am blessed. I know. Now, that is. Usually I forget. Mmm… Hosea 6

Your Boy,
Evan Christopher



Disconnected Days – 11/28/07

Why is it that my life is so disconnected? I have my past life, my present life, and my future life. I have my real life and my fake, imagined lives. I have my University Scholars life and my LEAD life. I have my public life and my private life.
And chronologically, I have a disconnected life. One day I’ll be eating healthy, loving others, spending time with God, and doing right. The next I’ll be in a bad mood till 10:00. Why?
Is nothing consistent?
What can be consistent in my life?
– My schedule? Well, sometimes I have to do stuff to interfere with my schedule. Sometimes I just feel tired and can’t meet certain requirements. Sometimes I don’t have the desire. Of course, will must win…
– My values- Yes, but my values are determined by the situation. I mean, I won’t one second be for abortion and the next be against it, but though I value both love and discipline, I must choose sometimes whether to step out and love a person or to work on homework.
– My faith- Once again, this is so affected by other things…

Ultimately, the only thing that doesn’t change is my Lord. He is always there. Why can’t I go to him? Because Satan takes the truth that He’s always there and adds to it saying, “so you can go later”.
Lord, help me find consistency. Let me follow you, not do a trek ala Family Circus that will eventually come 5 feet closer after two months. I want to grow in the me you’ve made me to be.

Your Boy,
Evan Christopher



My World- 11/27/07

Why is Norway so attractive, Camp so appealing, and Cypress so pleasing?
Why is the past so much better than the present, and why is the future even better?

I have been struggling alot lately. With apathy, nostalgia, homesickness, reminiscing, and dreaming. Yes, I’ve been struggling with dreaming. You see, I am not satisfied with the life I live.
What does that mean?

I am lacking some things in my life here in Waco.

– Friends= Time + Effort + Holy Spirit Whisperings—— It’s always taken me a long time to make good friends. Should it be any different now? I try to put in effort, yet sink back into apathy when I can’t be pleased. As for the Holy Spirit, I’m not sure…

– Home= Time + Experiences + Friends + Purpose—— Once again, it will take time. I need many good experiences to make me feel at home in a new place. Usually when we moved from place to place it would take me a year or two to settle. It helped once I had those friends, but of course, that takes time. I need purpose in my life. Whether its in a relationship, a job, a service, or a project. I need a purpose to ground me.

– Mentees/Kids= Time + Effort + Experiences—— God has given me a heart for working with kids. He encourages me, enlightens me, strengthens me, livens me, and teaches me through kids and especially through mentorship relationships. These take time, effort, and shared experiences. Nothing to be rushed, right?

– Church= Time + Effort + Experiences + Holy Spirit Whisperings + Friends + Purpose—- This one is a hard one. Do I try something that’s different, something that’s similar to my home church, something that most of my friends go to, something that has great outreach, something that has a good pastor, etc. etc. etc. I don’t know. I wish that the Holy Spirit would just shout an answer into my heart, but I know He doesn’t work like that (usually….)

– Satisfaction = Meaning/Purpose + Pleasures—— I cannot be satisfied unless I know that my situations lead to Something Greater. And, though it is selfish and prideful, it is human and true, I feel a need for pleasures. I don’t mean food and sex and wine, but enjoyment from friends, mentees, church, nature, media, etc.

Why is the past better?
Because the time’s been spent, the effort’s been made, and all the fruits lie across the sea, waiting to be grasped. Unfortunately, the sea is the sea of time, and it cannot be crossed.
Why is the future better?
Because in the future I can picture myself as Superman or God- able to do all things at once, and do them all right. Success surrounds me like an aura and all my dreams are realities. Unfortunately, my dreams of the future are nothing more than fog and mist.
Why is the present so hard?
I can’t see anything. My mind and heart are so heavy with desires to jump forward or backward that I am unable to do anything about my current situation. I see people walking around like trees, but I am able to discern which ones God is sending my way. I feel like everyone around me are like grasshoppers to my little ant self. I sit and sigh and cry and wait for the future to come, unable to realize that my future is my past plus a little time.

My past and my present are so different. I have left everything behind. But is that everything really EVERYTHING? Could God be saving me some EVERYTHING around the corner and I just don’t know it or see it? Maybe. But as for now, the scales are still on my eyes and the haze is still potent.

I don’t want to end on a positive note like I always do. I want to be negative and depressed and sad and blah blah blah, even though I know it’s pathetic. So I will do this. I’m putting down two songs from Sara Groves (a fav musician of mine). One describes my problem, (though the future is the present) one describes my ideal self (more general than this specific plight). Thank you Sara.

Painting Pictures of Egypt
I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I”ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Past the Wishing
I’m standing at the foot of this mountain
Wishing so bad that I could touch that sky
But in the time it takes to make my wish
I never take a step and I never try

I wish that I were closer to Jesus
But not enough to get me out of bed
For an early morning prayer before the
Rushes of my life take me instead

I’m past the wishing
Past the wishing
Past the wishing

I’m gazing in these deep well waters
Where the pennies of my life have all been cast
I’ve decided I am going to save my money
To do something that lasts

You’ve shown me my man of Macedonia
You’re calling me further on
And I’m tired of saying it’s a nice idea
I wish it could be done

I don’t wish that I could go I am going
I don’t wish that I could be I am being
I don’t wish that I could do it I am doing
By the grace of God I am doing

So that’s it. My World, with all its specks of grace and humanity. I know it’s pretty pathetic, but it’s honest. Hopefully I can write a note full-of-hope soon.
ec weppler