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I live a life of finding meaning through others. I need that encouragement. I need that time with friends. I need to talk to that person in my life. I need… love.
And yet, all this time, God stands by, loving me beyond my understanding. He loves me and cares about me as if I was all the world.
What does that even mean?
http://geniusandlunacy.blogspot.com/2007/12/how-can-it-be.html
Thanks to people who read my note and to those who read my note and commented or talked to me about it. That was after a weekend at home and the transition from such a comfortable place to a not-yet-comfortable place always provokes strong emotions. You know?
I am surrounded by many kind people, a good number of caring friends, and some older students that have helped me time and time again. God has blessed me with some people that will soon be good friends.
I am studying for life, opening my mind, growing in knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. God is using my major to help me decide what I love and what I want to do with my life.
I am in a place with so many spiritual places, it’s hard to choose where to go. Churches, ministries, small groups- sometimes it’s just overwhelming. But I know that as long as I put God first, it will all work out.
Thanks again. And I am doing good. Just one of those down moments- and now I’m on an up moment. And I might have another down moment- but hopefully I’ll be prepared for next time.
Evan
1. Cozy room
2. Good food options
3. Some people that seem to like me- K, M, S, Kn, Mn, M, S, A, L, H, E, D, B, and others…
4. I have the freedom to do what I want for now
5. I have people that look up to me back home
6. I am getting to be a good influence on TILT
7. I am studying some interesting stuff
8. I’m not a failure in Greek- I might be doing bad, but it’s okay
9. Amanda, Kate, and Luis- My little family up here
10. Snake and Ms. Kitty- Put them together and you’d have Goldie
11. My YMT- Kristen is great, the people in there are great potential friends, and Ryan is real fun to know
12. I now have an accountability partner
13. I am growing in friendship with CJ
14. I’ve had great visits home
15. I’ve got peaceful music to indwell
16. I’m alive by grace
17. Some people regard me well
18. I feel creative and am using that energy
19. I have some days to prepare for finals, then get to go home!
20. My family loves me
21. My struggle is not so hard right now.
22. God is still here? Yes.
I am blessed. I know. Now, that is. Usually I forget. Mmm… Hosea 6
Your Boy,
Evan Christopher
http://geniusandlunacy.blogspot.com/2007/11/i-have-lamented-what-i-lack-let-me-be.html
Why is it that my life is so disconnected? I have my past life, my present life, and my future life. I have my real life and my fake, imagined lives. I have my University Scholars life and my LEAD life. I have my public life and my private life.
And chronologically, I have a disconnected life. One day I’ll be eating healthy, loving others, spending time with God, and doing right. The next I’ll be in a bad mood till 10:00. Why?
Is nothing consistent?
What can be consistent in my life?
– My schedule? Well, sometimes I have to do stuff to interfere with my schedule. Sometimes I just feel tired and can’t meet certain requirements. Sometimes I don’t have the desire. Of course, will must win…
– My values- Yes, but my values are determined by the situation. I mean, I won’t one second be for abortion and the next be against it, but though I value both love and discipline, I must choose sometimes whether to step out and love a person or to work on homework.
– My faith- Once again, this is so affected by other things…
Ultimately, the only thing that doesn’t change is my Lord. He is always there. Why can’t I go to him? Because Satan takes the truth that He’s always there and adds to it saying, “so you can go later”.
Lord, help me find consistency. Let me follow you, not do a trek ala Family Circus that will eventually come 5 feet closer after two months. I want to grow in the me you’ve made me to be.
Your Boy,
Evan Christopher
http://geniusandlunacy.blogspot.com/2007/11/disconnected-days.html
Why is Norway so attractive, Camp so appealing, and Cypress so pleasing?
Why is the past so much better than the present, and why is the future even better?
I have been struggling alot lately. With apathy, nostalgia, homesickness, reminiscing, and dreaming. Yes, I’ve been struggling with dreaming. You see, I am not satisfied with the life I live.
What does that mean?
I am lacking some things in my life here in Waco.
– Friends= Time + Effort + Holy Spirit Whisperings—— It’s always taken me a long time to make good friends. Should it be any different now? I try to put in effort, yet sink back into apathy when I can’t be pleased. As for the Holy Spirit, I’m not sure…
– Home= Time + Experiences + Friends + Purpose—— Once again, it will take time. I need many good experiences to make me feel at home in a new place. Usually when we moved from place to place it would take me a year or two to settle. It helped once I had those friends, but of course, that takes time. I need purpose in my life. Whether its in a relationship, a job, a service, or a project. I need a purpose to ground me.
– Mentees/Kids= Time + Effort + Experiences—— God has given me a heart for working with kids. He encourages me, enlightens me, strengthens me, livens me, and teaches me through kids and especially through mentorship relationships. These take time, effort, and shared experiences. Nothing to be rushed, right?
– Church= Time + Effort + Experiences + Holy Spirit Whisperings + Friends + Purpose—- This one is a hard one. Do I try something that’s different, something that’s similar to my home church, something that most of my friends go to, something that has great outreach, something that has a good pastor, etc. etc. etc. I don’t know. I wish that the Holy Spirit would just shout an answer into my heart, but I know He doesn’t work like that (usually….)
– Satisfaction = Meaning/Purpose + Pleasures—— I cannot be satisfied unless I know that my situations lead to Something Greater. And, though it is selfish and prideful, it is human and true, I feel a need for pleasures. I don’t mean food and sex and wine, but enjoyment from friends, mentees, church, nature, media, etc.
Why is the past better?
Because the time’s been spent, the effort’s been made, and all the fruits lie across the sea, waiting to be grasped. Unfortunately, the sea is the sea of time, and it cannot be crossed.
Why is the future better?
Because in the future I can picture myself as Superman or God- able to do all things at once, and do them all right. Success surrounds me like an aura and all my dreams are realities. Unfortunately, my dreams of the future are nothing more than fog and mist.
Why is the present so hard?
I can’t see anything. My mind and heart are so heavy with desires to jump forward or backward that I am unable to do anything about my current situation. I see people walking around like trees, but I am able to discern which ones God is sending my way. I feel like everyone around me are like grasshoppers to my little ant self. I sit and sigh and cry and wait for the future to come, unable to realize that my future is my past plus a little time.
My past and my present are so different. I have left everything behind. But is that everything really EVERYTHING? Could God be saving me some EVERYTHING around the corner and I just don’t know it or see it? Maybe. But as for now, the scales are still on my eyes and the haze is still potent.
I don’t want to end on a positive note like I always do. I want to be negative and depressed and sad and blah blah blah, even though I know it’s pathetic. So I will do this. I’m putting down two songs from Sara Groves (a fav musician of mine). One describes my problem, (though the future is the present) one describes my ideal self (more general than this specific plight). Thank you Sara.
Painting Pictures of Egypt
I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend
It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this
CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I”ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know
BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
Past the Wishing
I’m standing at the foot of this mountain
Wishing so bad that I could touch that sky
But in the time it takes to make my wish
I never take a step and I never try
I wish that I were closer to Jesus
But not enough to get me out of bed
For an early morning prayer before the
Rushes of my life take me instead
I’m past the wishing
Past the wishing
Past the wishing
I’m gazing in these deep well waters
Where the pennies of my life have all been cast
I’ve decided I am going to save my money
To do something that lasts
You’ve shown me my man of Macedonia
You’re calling me further on
And I’m tired of saying it’s a nice idea
I wish it could be done
I don’t wish that I could go I am going
I don’t wish that I could be I am being
I don’t wish that I could do it I am doing
By the grace of God I am doing
So that’s it. My World, with all its specks of grace and humanity. I know it’s pretty pathetic, but it’s honest. Hopefully I can write a note full-of-hope soon.
ec weppler
I wonder- what if Jesus’ family ( I normally don’t use this word, but it’s the only one that fits) sucked?
He came to experience life as a human. And, well, most children in the world grow up in hard families. Actually, many children in the Bible grew up in messed up families. Jacob and Esau and their parents were a little off. David’s dad didn’t consider him a son to be considered. Moses’ sister and brother often fought with him over different stuff.
We see Jesus’ brothers telling him to do stuff from time to time. And at one time Mary and the brothers are outside and Jesus is told, and he replies that his true brothers, mother, and family are the ones that do God’s will…
I was just thinking about this. I was listening to “Face of Christ” by Chris Rice and it prompted it. I wonder if Jesus ever saw his parents fight. If he was ever over-punished. If his brothers (or sisters?) were ever treated better than him, or vice versa. If they ever insulted him, made him feel bad, weren’t there for him- I wonder… it wouldn’t make his family “evil” or so- just human…
Anyway- just a thought…
Greek has wearied me out…
Yet, I know it’s gonna be a lovely day.
http://geniusandlunacy.blogspot.com/2007/10/wearied-yet.html
I’ve been having a great time at Baylor. Lots of exciting new events and groups. Beautiful campus. Challenging courses. Yet, there is something missing…
Community.
My group at high school
My friends at church
My younger friends in high school, middle school, and elementary
My mentorees
My adult mentors and leaders
My camp friends
My family
These people made up my community from time to time. I am trying to find a church. Trying to find a small group. Trying to find ministries to plug into. Trying to find different organizations to get involved in. But in the end, I am trying to find community. I’m looking for those people that I want to live life with. There are some I could see the potential. But, for the most part, I’m still looking…
God will provide. He has and He will. I’m relying on Him and praying that He will reveal those people, and I ask that you will as well.
thanks.
grace and peace
evan
Well, I am overwhelmed…
i just want to go back.
.
.
.
but there is no place for me there.
It’s like I am Sam/Frodo in the Lord of the Rings- I want to go back to the Shire, where everything was simpler. But i can’t.
.
All throughout my life, I have had this problem: Glorification of the Past. I always look back and see how “great” things were, even to something a couple hours in the past. It started probably when we moved from England to Norway. It was hard for me to settle at first. Then I found friends and enjoyed it there. Stavanger became home. Then we moved to Cypress. And I felt excluded, left out, abused, hurt, maligned, and more. (Now in my glorification of the past, I basically exaggerate- Usually it’s positive, but sometimes the negative REALLY sticks out.) It took me a while to recover from that. And now I’ve moved again. I have no comfort of constant conistency. Nothing that connects the past to the present. In a way, that’s nice, because it means that the bad stuff from high school, for the most part, don’t have to bother me. But my wonderful experiences in church, at school, at home, and with friends- they are all back in Cypress. The only connections I have to “home”? My sister and Facebook. My sister has found “home” here, though, so to bring up Cypress isn’t so good. And Facebook is simply manufactured lives. It’s real, but it’s also fake.
So here I am. I just got the CCS Connection and as I scan the pages I think, “I’m no longer a part of this.” It’s true. Other than the alumni pages or possibly if I come and visit and get a photo somehow, my time at CCS is over. My time at Baylor has begun. But I’m not even sure if I want Baylor to be my home. I’ve wondered. I’ve considered changing colleges, going to Wheaton, or Taylor, or even Bryan. But if I did that, things might get better, but it would still take time. And it would just take more time because I’ve already connected here, somewhat. I’ve spent time here. And I hate secondguessing myself. I do it all the time, but I hate it. I like to make a decision and stick with it. When you think it over and wonder if it was the right choice, the thing is, how will you ever know? You won’t here God speak to you in an audible voice “You were right to choose this!” Instead, you will realize it after looking around and seeing a sign in your environment- and you can’t see any signs if you’re too busy looking to something else.
Which is part of my problem. It’s like I’m at the US-Mexico border, with my feet in two different countries. I’ve got my heart and spirit in Cypress, but my mind and my body is in Waco. I’ve been very good at not just focusing on Cypress, talking to people from there all the time, never getting connected to people here. I’ve talked and contacted people a fair number, and have only been home once. I’ve tried out new things here and met new people and enjoyed different things, but when it all comes down to it, I don’t want to be here. If I had the choice, I would drive back home and go and help out at school and church, hang out with old high school friends, live at home, and never go anywhere. But I CAN’T DO THAT.
I have to move on. I have to change. I am no longer the Evan Weppler of high school. I have changed. But I still love my home back in Cypress more, because I KNOW there are people there that love me, care for me, and want me around. Here? I don’t know. But I can’t know until I invest in their lives. Which is tricky, because I am weird. And I connect in different ways than most people. I love deep connections, but I don’t like small talk and simple hanging out. When I hang out, I enjoy building on deep friendships.
So my problems- I glorify the past, I don’t like change, I’m in two places at once, and I find it hard to really connect to people.
What is the answer to all of this? Well, there is no anwer, other than this: Time and Effort. It sucks as an answer, but it’s like medicine. You have to endure it. I just wish there was “a spoonful of sugar” to make “the medicine go down.”
What is the sugar I need?
— Church
— Small group community
— Ministry
— Good friends (the ones I can hang out with at random times and just enjoy time together)
— Close Friends
— Mentor/s
— Mentoree/s
1. Church- I’ve searched. I’m looking for a place that gives me 1. Truth, 2. Community, and 3. Service Opportunities. I just don’t know. I don’t want to “waste” my time somewhere, but it’s true that it takes time to really see what a church is about.
2. Small group community- I’ve not found that at the dorm. I’ve not found that in my classes. I’ve tried Cru and kind of an Antioch Lifegroup, but nothing has been so profoundly “it” yet. Preferably I would like to find this through a church, but you never know.
3. Ministry- Shinedown? Exclusive. Children’s Tutorials? I don’t know how to describe the feeling I had there. YMTs? Maybe. I enjoyed working with the kids the other day. I felt more alive. (Which is why I want to go into ministry/be a father)
4. Good Friends- I have these. Kristen. DJ and Lora. Meghan, Emmanuel, and the other girls. Hannah. (Though I haven’t seen her for a while) Kristina. Madeleine and Kathleen. Dave. Chris. Dirk and Gray. Steven. Steven and Adam. Good people, but great? I think some could be for me.
5. Close Friends- I really want to have some real good connections. With girl friends, yes, but I have always lacked and always wanted great close guy friends, to help me in the journey, so that I can help them, so that we can do life together. Like brothers in a monastery. Close. Community.
6. Mentor- This would probably help me grow, but who? I have Tracy and kind of Kate, but I really need a guy. A guy to show me how to live as a Christian man in college. Cause I haven’t understood it yet. Brad? Could see it. Steven, Jeff, Ethan? Maybe. Other than that, I don’t know. I’d love to know someone through church, but that takes a while……. time and effort, time and effort…. whoo.
7. Mentoree- I believe this would really help me feel at home here. If I had kids or youths looking up to me, seeing me as a leader and a friend. I’d feel like I was at home.
.
.
.
But what is home? Really? When did Cypress become home? I don’t think I really accepted where I was until seventh grade, and that was because of church. I think that might be the case here, with those two characteristics. The second year, and through church. But I really don’t want to wait that long. Can I?
Lord, I guess you’re just testing me. But I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to look back and say, “I could have reached out more.” God, help me to accept myself and love my situation. But if I’m not supposed to be here, send me a sign. If I am supposed to be here, show me a sign. God, I just need to find community. I’m tired of doing this alone. I’m tired. I come to you for rest. I rest in you. I rest in you. I rest in you.
http://geniusandlunacy.blogspot.com/2007/09/well-i-am-overwhelmed.html